The New Year is not only a time for making resolutions; it is also a time for hoping for a better year. So here is one man’s wish list.
Wish No. 1: All NBA players will get rid of their tattoos.
While I acknowledge that some wonderful people have a tattoo, as a rule, people with the amount of tattoos the average basketball player has are troubled souls. And given the behavior associated with many NBA players, they are not only troubled; they cause trouble.
Wish No. 2: The ACLU will create a leftist Boy Scouts.
The ACLU and other leftist groups are highly accomplished at destroying good institutions such as the Boy Scouts. But they rarely build good institutions. So instead of trying to destroy the Boy Scouts — because the Scouts require its members to make an oath to God and country and because the Scouts believe that boys and men who publicly announce they are sexually attracted only to males should not be Scouts — the ACLU should build something for boys in the image of its values. Since it is so easy to destroy, dear leftists, why not try to build?
Start perhaps with a Progressive Boy Scouts that will have no oaths to God and will welcome all males who announce they are homosexual. Then one day we will see which Boy Scouts produces better people.
Wish No. 3: Celebrities will refrain from critically commenting on the war in Iraq.
Freedom of speech guarantees the right of every American, certainly including celebrities, to speak publicly on any subject they desire. But there would be something refreshing if the next time Susan Sarandon or Alec Baldwin were asked about the war in Iraq, they answered something like this: “I have an opinion and am flattered that you have asked me to express it. However, nothing about acting in movies gives me any greater insight into questions of war and peace than fixing faucets gives a plumber. Furthermore, in a divided country such as ours, surely the best thing I can do with my gift of an acting ability is to continue to make Americans laugh, cry, escape for two hours from their troubles, and visit our fighting men in Iraq and Afghanistan.”
Wish No. 4: The home run and other batting records of Barry Bonds and other steroid-using Major League Baseball players will all have an asterisk affixed to them.
Speaking about the effects of steroids, the late baseball star Ken Caminiti told Sports Illustrated, “It’s still a hand-eye coordination game, but the difference is the ball is going to go a little farther.” Hence, the need for an asterisk.
Wish No. 5: All those Americans who said they would move to Canada if George W. Bush were re-elected will do so.
A number of Americans announced that if President Bush were re-elected, they would move to Canada. This is a fine idea — for them, for Canada and for America. Canada (outside of Quebec) shares our language and is within driving distance of most Americans, yet is becoming completely European in its values — secular, leftist, socialist, pro-redefining marriage, anti-military, pro-UN.
American leftists would feel much more at home there. And Canada would love to have them. It is the most sparsely populated country in the world; they seek immigrants; and Americans already speak the language. Moreover, it is not terribly cold everywhere in Canada, even in winter. Americans who hate George W. Bush should give it some thought. And while we’re wishing, let those Canadians who believe in Judeo-Christian values, fighting for freedom, small government and marriage involving a man and a woman move here. Then we can have two affluent countries sharing the same land mass and language develop each according to its values and see which produces a better place.
Wish No. 6: All those who drive in the left lane slower than drivers in the other lanes will be given fines and threatened with long prison sentences, perhaps even capital punishment.
There are things Americans can learn from Europe — perhaps the most significant is how to drive properly. In Europe, driving schools apparently teach something that seems to be ignored in American driver’s education — that the left lane is for passing other cars, not for passing time.
Wish No. 7: Unless requested or it is particularly beautiful, no music, certainly not radio music, shall be played in restaurants.
No one — no one — dines out in order to hear rock music radio stations on lousy speakers. On the contrary, people dine out to escape noise and eat in silence either alone or in conversation with someone else. Unless the purpose of blaring cheap speakers in restaurants is to hasten the departure of customers so as to enable more customers to eat there, most restaurant music is a bane on civilization.
Happy New Year.